Several years ago I began writing a short story of D/s theme which was loosely based upon the relationship I was in at the time. By “loosely based” I mean that the central characters of the story related to one another with much the same dynamic as did I and my significant other. Surprisingly, the story and the relationship were well-received, and as I continued to post the story, it evolved into what is now a published novel. The reason that it surprised me to receive so much positive feedback about these characters was simply because I regarded the relationship as being rather unconventional. It did not exactly fit into any established or defined category. Although the couple in the story were very much Master and sub, it was not a story about bondage, abuse, humiliation, or extremely kinky sex. Mild fetish was involved but nothing extreme. No slings, nipple clamps, electrodes, whips, or chains were included. The characters did not dress in leather, and no one was wrapped in cellophane. I honestly felt that it was just going to be too boring of a story to appeal to the average BDSM reader. As for the romance reader, I thought the D/s element would be a pill too difficult to swallow, so I resigned myself to the reality that it was probably a story that would never have much market appeal.

What I find very interesting is that within the LGBT community, we tend to compartmentalize and stereotype one another in a manner that is often harsher than the criticism we receive from outside our community. There seems to be a “mainstream” element of our society that is often uncomfortable with those regarded to be on the “fringe”. Basically the only interaction that the fringe groups have with the mainstream is once a year or so at Gay Pride events they are represented by a contingency in the parades and festivities, and sadly these displays tend to offer little more than entertainment to the majority of observers. Leather Daddies, Bikers, cubs, bears, transsexuals, drag queens—all a part of our community but none fully embraced. Those of us in the BDSM community tend to run in our own circles and socialize with those who share the lifestyle, and sadly we understand that we are not going to be fully accepted and welcomed by the mainstream. We’re sort of the outsiders.

Each of us, of course, must find ways to mingle in the community-at-large, and we each have relationships outside the BDSM community. We have jobs and families and even friendships that we keep separate from who we really are. From nine to five we appear to be just like everyone else, or at least enough so that we are able to function in a manner that allows us to pursue our careers, feed our families, and acquire the material things we desire in life. We also acquiesce to the sensibilities of our extended families and conceal the things we need to hide or pretend when we need to do so, in order to protect the relationships we have with our loved ones.

What if, however, it was possible to have the best of both worlds? What if we could actually be who we are twenty-four hours of the day? What if we could actually be mainstream and also open about the fact that we are within the D/s lifestyle?

What I have come to believe is that the relationship a Master and sub have with one another is not all that different from what we for years accepted about traditional heterosexual marriage. One partner is King of the castle. He makes all the decisions, implements and enforces the rules, and bears the burden of responsibility for his choices. He is Provider, Protector, and Leader. The other partner obeys the rules and strives to please the Dominant partner. The sub has a need to be guided and reassured and possibly even controlled, yet his role is just as essential in the dynamic. This sub partner often tends to all things domestic, takes care of the needs of the Dom, and finds contentment and satisfaction living within the security of the Dom’s control. Is this type of relationship really all that different from heterosexual marriage prior to the sexual revolution?

The thing that I feel has most prevented us from being open-minded enough to accept these sorts of “alternative” relationships is our rigid adherence to gender roles. It is not palatable to many people for a man like me to crave the guidance and control of another man. That’s just too wimpy, too effeminate. It also is not necessarily politically correct. Shouldn’t I be demanding my rights? Shouldn’t I be fighting to be seen as equal to everyone else rather than submitting to a role in which I live as a second-class citizen?

My sincere belief is that as a sub, I am not all that different from my counterparts in the mainstream LGBT community, or even from those in heterosexual society at-large. I do not have an interest in wearing the leather uniforms that are so often associated with our lifestyle. I do understand and respect the symbolism associated with much of the gear, but I don’t have a personal desire to include that in my life. When I am in a sexual relationship I am very focused upon pleasing my Partner, and I would readily submit to any reasonable (and possibly some not-so reasonable) fetishes that he enjoys, but in truth I’m really not all that kinky myself. I have no problem telling my friends that I must first ask permission before committing to plans, and I actually am proud of my Dom when he steps forward publicly to assert himself, be it a situation where he’s protecting me or simply to stand up for himself. I like not having the responsibility of decision-making, and I love having a Man in my life who understands my sensitivity and emotionalism.

Why is it that we all know heterosexual couples who have relationships that are at least somewhat similar to the one I just described, yet we find it so unacceptable within our own community?

And I also wonder why the members of the BDSM community who fully embrace all of the traditional bondage/domination elements of the lifestyle, tend to look down upon those of us who do not go that far? I’ve had people tell me that I obviously must be ashamed of being sub, or that I’m hiding and play acting in order to fit in. I’ve had people who suggest that I’m just a novice who dabbles in the lifestyle to satisfy my own sexual fantasies but that I’m not capable of fully committing. Actually, these attitudes are patently offensive to me, because I feel the opposite is actually true.

To me, being a sub is not about maintaining a “look”. It is not about any particular sexual fetish. It is not about fitting into a stereotype. Being sub is defined by a person’s heart. I absolutely want to be the property of my Master, to be owned and loved by him. I want to be a part of his everyday life, to be his helpmate and nursemaid, and housekeeper and any other little thing that he desires of me. I want to feel protected and guided and know that he will be there for me to give me the reassurances I need. I want to feel comfortable with the fact that he has accepted and chosen me as I am. He understands my weaknesses and helps me to be stronger. He does not condemn me for being too feminine, but actually enjoys the fact that when others see us together there is no doubt that he is my Master and I am his sub. He is not annoyed by my emotions, but regards them with the same level of respect that a heterosexual husband does when he sees his wife cry. He doesn’t scold me and tell me to be a man, because he knows that I’m me—period.

So in my opinion, the manner in which I live (or I guess I should say, “have lived” since I’m not in a relationship right now) is just as genuine and real as putting on a leather uniform. I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say this, but to me personally it feels more like a costume when I dress up in the gear. I embrace all viewpoints within our community when it comes to issues like monogamy, stables, open-relationships, polygamy, etc… yet I also wish that others would afford my viewpoints this same respect. There are those of us out here who do desire a “mainstream” type of lifestyle, and we are just as much a part of the community. I am just as much a sub as the slave boy who sleeps in his Master’s dungeon and who wants to be whipped and electrocuted. I am just as much a sub as the muscle boy who is proud of his ability to endure hot wax and fisting. I’m just as much a sub as the leather slave who kneels to lick his Master’s boots. I just choose to live my life in a more mainstream way, and I don’t feel the need to express my heart with all the symbolism. I want to express it instead by my obedience and devotion to my Master.

Maybe there are a lot of others out there who feel similar to me. Maybe it is just that we keep our opinions more to ourselves, and we live our lives more privately. I guess my point is that there is more to the BDSM community than what may initially meet the eye.