We Can Have It All
Posted by Jeff Erno on Saturday, June 13, 2009
It was about twenty years ago when I first began "coming out" of the closet. Of course at first I started by confiding only in a couple close friends. Gradually this grew into a circle of trusted people who I knew accepted me for the person that I was. I then told my family, beginning with my siblings, then my parents, cousins, etc. Eventually I was out in my community, in my church, and in my workplace. When I was 27 years old, the local newspaper ran a story featuring openly gay people who had grappled with religious issues; I was one of the individuals featured. So now here I am some twenty years later, completely out. Literally everyone who knows me personally, knows I'm gay, and most people who just know of me also are aware of my sexual orientation. There is no going back in hiding. I'm out, and I'm stayin out.
One of the very first family members that I came out to was my late cousin Billy Hall. He was a wonderful man, but sadly he passed away from emphysema about ten years ago. The reason it was so easy to trust Billy with the truth about myself was because he also had come out to our entire family as a gay man. He did not do so, though, while he was in his 20s. He was in his mid forties when he dropped the bomb, and it was shocking and possibly even devestating to immediate family. He and his wife had been married for a couple decades and had several children.
Well when I first began to get close to Billy, I asked him a lot of questions about why he'd waited so long to be honest about his true identity. He didn't have a lot of answers, other than to say that things were a lot different for him than they were for me. Back in his day, it was not really an option to be openly gay. There really was no such thing. His only option was to get married, raise a family, and hope his homosexuality faded or simply disappeared with time.
It was witnessing the heartbreak that Billy suffered when his kids struggled with his identity that gave me the resolve not to follow in his footsteps. I saw it as a choice. Certainly my sexual orientation was not a choice, but how I lived my life really was. I could either lie about who I was and live a "normal" heterosexual life, or I could be honest and open and try to find happiness within this honesty. Of course, it is obvious which choice I made, and as I look back I have no regrets whatsoever that I did so. For me, being gay is not an "alternative" lifestyle. The alternative would be to live a lie; I'm just being who I am.
One thing that Billy explained to me was that he felt he too had a choice to make. He could either get married and be normal or be labeled a freak and a queer all his life. He had always wanted to be a father and to have a family. He'd always wanted to be in a loving, monogamous relationship. He wanted a successful career, to be respected in his community, and simply to be happy. It was his perception back then that being openly gay was the polar opposite of all these other things that he wanted so badly.
To Billy it was not possible to be both Christian and gay. It was not feesible to have children and also be an out-and-proud gay man. Monogamous relationships did not exist within the gay community in Billy's eyes. They were subsituted with random and fleeting encouters with often-anonymous sex partners. So he chose to give up who he really was in exchange for what he thought would be complete acceptance by society. He chose normalcy over truth.
Well by the time Billy was in his forties he began to realize this all had been a mistake. He began to see that there were others who had chosen the "alternative". There were more and more people begining to emerge as out-gay members of his community. He started to see that monogamy did not only exist in heterosexual relationships. He saw that you could actually be a great parent and also openly gay. He even saw that churches were starting to re-examine their hatred and villification of homosexuality.
So in my own particular case I had a perspective far different than did dear Billy. I thought that just maybe it was possible to have all of these things that Billy wanted so badly and also be true to my identity. I could have a home and a family. I could have a successful career. I could have a relationship with God. I could even have children. All the while I could simply be me. I could literally have it all!
It was my dream back then, just as it is to this day, that there will come a time when this entire conversation becomes ridiculous. I hope that at some point we reach a stage where it is not even a struggle at all to be openly gay. I hope it eventually gets viewed in the same manner as does gender or eye color or height. It's just an inborn characteristic that makes us who we are, and that's that.
I'm very happy that Billy finally decided to be honest about his identity, but it saddens me to think that it took him so many years to reach that point. If there is any lesson that the youth of today can learn from the likes of Billy and me is that it really is possible to have it all.
One of the very first family members that I came out to was my late cousin Billy Hall. He was a wonderful man, but sadly he passed away from emphysema about ten years ago. The reason it was so easy to trust Billy with the truth about myself was because he also had come out to our entire family as a gay man. He did not do so, though, while he was in his 20s. He was in his mid forties when he dropped the bomb, and it was shocking and possibly even devestating to immediate family. He and his wife had been married for a couple decades and had several children.
Well when I first began to get close to Billy, I asked him a lot of questions about why he'd waited so long to be honest about his true identity. He didn't have a lot of answers, other than to say that things were a lot different for him than they were for me. Back in his day, it was not really an option to be openly gay. There really was no such thing. His only option was to get married, raise a family, and hope his homosexuality faded or simply disappeared with time.
It was witnessing the heartbreak that Billy suffered when his kids struggled with his identity that gave me the resolve not to follow in his footsteps. I saw it as a choice. Certainly my sexual orientation was not a choice, but how I lived my life really was. I could either lie about who I was and live a "normal" heterosexual life, or I could be honest and open and try to find happiness within this honesty. Of course, it is obvious which choice I made, and as I look back I have no regrets whatsoever that I did so. For me, being gay is not an "alternative" lifestyle. The alternative would be to live a lie; I'm just being who I am.
One thing that Billy explained to me was that he felt he too had a choice to make. He could either get married and be normal or be labeled a freak and a queer all his life. He had always wanted to be a father and to have a family. He'd always wanted to be in a loving, monogamous relationship. He wanted a successful career, to be respected in his community, and simply to be happy. It was his perception back then that being openly gay was the polar opposite of all these other things that he wanted so badly.
To Billy it was not possible to be both Christian and gay. It was not feesible to have children and also be an out-and-proud gay man. Monogamous relationships did not exist within the gay community in Billy's eyes. They were subsituted with random and fleeting encouters with often-anonymous sex partners. So he chose to give up who he really was in exchange for what he thought would be complete acceptance by society. He chose normalcy over truth.
Well by the time Billy was in his forties he began to realize this all had been a mistake. He began to see that there were others who had chosen the "alternative". There were more and more people begining to emerge as out-gay members of his community. He started to see that monogamy did not only exist in heterosexual relationships. He saw that you could actually be a great parent and also openly gay. He even saw that churches were starting to re-examine their hatred and villification of homosexuality.
So in my own particular case I had a perspective far different than did dear Billy. I thought that just maybe it was possible to have all of these things that Billy wanted so badly and also be true to my identity. I could have a home and a family. I could have a successful career. I could have a relationship with God. I could even have children. All the while I could simply be me. I could literally have it all!
It was my dream back then, just as it is to this day, that there will come a time when this entire conversation becomes ridiculous. I hope that at some point we reach a stage where it is not even a struggle at all to be openly gay. I hope it eventually gets viewed in the same manner as does gender or eye color or height. It's just an inborn characteristic that makes us who we are, and that's that.
I'm very happy that Billy finally decided to be honest about his identity, but it saddens me to think that it took him so many years to reach that point. If there is any lesson that the youth of today can learn from the likes of Billy and me is that it really is possible to have it all.
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